“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” – Anaïs Nin
Dear God, Universe, Higher-Self, Cosmic Energy and anyone else reading this,
I am ready to bloom.
I have not yet blossomed into the person I was meant to be. I spent my entire life trying to make myself less. Trying to not be a bother to those around me and avoiding being seen. I lived with unaddressed traumas. I walled myself off in order to avoid the pain life mercilessly threw my way.
In 2017, life took a jackhammer to my heart. As you can imagine, it hurt. I cried more and cried harder in three months than I had in over 30 years. I couldn’t see it at the time, but the pain was necessary. The walls around my heart were so thick, they needed a hardcore tool to break them down. I didn’t know if I would ever recover. After a while, I looked around the ruin and realized I was okay. I was tattered and scarred, but I was also more recognizable. I looked more like the person I was before I started experiencing trauma. I was delicate yet strong. Afraid yet courageous. I was getting to know the real me, and I was falling in love with her. I didn’t know it was possible to like myself, much less love myself. The roots that ran so deep were being ripped away. It hurts just thinking about it, but those roots had to go. They were roots of anger, jealousy, insecurity and the all encompassing desire to earn approval from others.
I spent 2018 planted. I was alone with my thoughts more than I’d ever been. I read. I wrote. Once again I cried. A lot. Growing up, I had no one tending to my emotions. I had to stifle them over and over because none of my adults could be bothered with my tears. Last year, with the help of my therapist, Rachel, I learned to care for my emotions like a gardener cares for a plant. Last year, I wrestled with my desire to be a writer and speaker. I pushed back at myself to make sure everything I did was because I want to help people. I also realized I am one of the people I want to help. My writing is as much for me as it is any potential reader. I learned so much in 2018. About myself. About my loved ones. About the world around me and my place in it.
This year, 2019, I am ready to bloom. I am ready to thrive. To succeed. To reap the harvest. To become the person I was meant to be.
I am under no illusion that this year will be easy. I will face roadblocks and setbacks. I will want to give up. But I will see the fruits of my labor. The things I have dreamed of and worked toward will come to fruition.